Max's story:The day after i got my GCSE results, i moved out. Being 16 and living alone with a 3 month old is all well and good but it is scary. Going from being at school and living in a house where all you need to worry about is how messy your bedroom is, to going into a house and paying bills, taking care of yourself and a baby AND being alone almost 24/7 is terrifying.
I started at 6th form about a week or so after i had moved in, Harriet went to my mums whilst i was out at 6th form so we seemed to get into a routine and as much as i loved going in and proving myself to people that i could still do something with my life, it was such hard work. Harriet was up every single hour at night and then i was having to get up at 6am and be at a bus stop by 8am it was just stressful. I could barely concentrate because i was so tired and i wasn't getting into it as much as i would have liked to. Not to mention i was home at 4pm, having to pick Harriet up and bring her home and try cram in her dinner and bath before 6pm when she went to bed, from a mothering point of view i felt like i never saw her and i felt so guilty! Since she was born i had spent practically every hour with her, she never left my sight, she even slept in my room. So going from that to seeing her for about 2hours a day wasn't nice at all.
I tried my best to have the best of both worlds - going into school still AND seeing my daughter more, so i took a day off a week to spend with her and just chill out and relax. At first it was good but i quickly realised i was falling behind because i was missing whole day of work a week, so going back in the next day meant i had stuff to catch up on. I thought i was making the situation better by seeing her more, but really i was making it harder for myself.
During what turned out to be my last week in 6th form, i thought i was pregnant again. Harriet was only 15 weeks old by this point and i kept telling myself to stop being stupid that 'i couldn't be pregnant because i live on my own and i have just started 6th form' not to mention i had a THREE month old. I remember going and buying the test in my lunch break, i wasn't feeling as nervous as i was before i found out with Harriet, i thought it would all just be a big mistake and everything would be okay and that i was just being paranoid. So when i did the test and it was positive i could barely believe it. I don't really remember a lot of what was said or what i did because i tried to block it out. The day after i found out, i went into sixth form and decided i was going to quit. Because i was pregnant and because it proved to be 100x more difficult than i had thought it would be with a baby. Looking back, i shouldnt have gone just because of what people would have said about me, i should have gone because i was ready and i really was not.
Anyway, because i wasn't living with Callum, i obviously had to tell him. I can't remember if i told him to his face or if i was over the phone, but either way when he got to my house there was a lot of crying, shouting and swearing. He wasn't happy about it, and obviously he was scared but so was i - i don't think anyone took that into consideration when they said things to me. It felt like my whole world fell apart. The next few weeks was so difficult, as people started to find out i had awful comments and i'd rather not repeat who said what to me but i was made to feel like i got myself into this 'mess' so to speak, was told it was 'my own fault' and basically got spoken to like a piece of sh*t and to this day i still hold a grudge to the people that said awful things about my unborn son. No-one should ever.. EVER make someone feel guilty for being pregnant and say such hurtful and nasty things about someone / an unborn child. Not to mention trying to make someone (me) have an abortion. It's just not right.
The word 'slag' got thrown around a few times, so did 'stupid' and 'omg, again?'. That's the one thing that is the hardest thing to deal with being a teen parent and its judgemental people, and those that think they know what is best for you and think they have the upper hand in your decisions. It was easy for people to assume things and say things over facebook and through texts but really, they had no clue what was going on behind closed doors, the shit i was dealing with, not to mention the worry and stress of everything. People just dont think before they say things.
I think i spent most of those 9 months crying and feeling alone. Me and Callum split up for a while i'm not really sure why to be honest, i think he thought he wouldn't be able to handle it and from what people were saying to me, i don't think anyone around him thought us having another baby was a 'good idea' (like their views were going to change anything...). The only people that seemed to want to support me were my family. They were great.
I remember being so resentful of Callum. ''Why should he get to walk away from the situation while i sit here and get these people be so nasty to me? Why should i deal with all this alone AND look after our daughter?'' It sounds so childish but it didn't seem fair. Yes, i was a mother and
meant to be acting like an adult but i was 16! It was far too much to handle. I never wanted to admit it but i wished everything would just rewind and i could go back to having just Harriet and hoping the pregnancy would go away.
I didn't really think too much about the pregnancy for the first few months, i don't think i really wanted too. It seemed to fly by but i think that was just because i was 'ignoring' it so to speak. I didn't really have anyone to talk to about it, and no-one seemed to
want to talk about with me. To be honest i felt like no-one cared. People were probably dissapointed in me - which is understandable, but i felt so ignored. I didn't even see my friends anymore. ( I still don't really) The perks of being a mother hey?
We had our first scan quite late - 15 weeks and 1 day. Me and Callum had barely been speaking for about 6 weeks and things had been pretty bad, but the day of the scan we both went together and we got on great. This was a week or so before christmas, and after a few talks and seeing our little baby on the scan we decided we'd give it another go at being together and spent our first christmas together and it was lovely. Everything was going great except for the fact i was still living alone.
That was the hardest part about being pregnant was living alone. The tiredness is a killer, and you get less mobile every single day then add a baby to the mix that wakes up every hour, needs carrying everywhere and is clingy.. exhausted was not the word. We only saw Callum at a weekend which i HATED. Most of the pregnancy was like this, plus hospital appointments because of low iron - hardly surprising. Then having to sit on a 7 hour drip 3 weeks before i was due and just a few days before Harriets first birthday. The only thing i wanted was for him to move in with us, be a 'proper family'. I felt fed up doing everything on my own and i got more resentful everyday.
Harriets first birthday came (I can't believe how quick that came by) then 2 weeks and 6 days later Max was born! After all the trouble i went through both of us sat there holding him as a newborn was amazing. When you have 1 child you love them so much its hard to imagine how to love someone else the same but you just do. I went home within a few hours after he was born.. i just wanted to be in my own home with my daughter, my boyfriend and our new baby. The first week or so was great, Callum spent the week with us and helped me so much. I was so greatful because there was no way i could have done that on my own. I could barely move!
Once that week was over though things slowly started to go back to normal, the week was spent on my own. No friends and no life, just me Harriet and Max 24/7. Max had a lot of problems as a newborn (will speak about those in another post) which was very difficult, he screamed alot, and it really didn't help my tiredness. Me and Callum argued a lot in the small amounts of time we spent together, i think most of it was me because i was so exhausted and stressed and i just wanted him to realise how much easier it'd be if he was here with us, but he didn't see it that way so i started to get resentful (again..) and jealous of his 'freedom'.
When Max was a few months old, we split up for a few months (obviously we are back together now). Mainly because of us not seeing each other often and because i wasn't making things easy for any of us, but it was hard to be happy when i felt so alone. Being a mum really isn't fun and games all the time. It's difficult to see your friends going out and doing 'what they want'. Some will say its 'your choice' to be a mum, but it's not quite so simple. When you are in that situation of having to decide whether to keep a baby or not its really not so easy. Anyone can sit and say 'Yeah well if i was pregnant i'd just ... or ... because of...' i have heard it so many times, but in reality it's just not like that.
Parenting is probably the hardest job anyone can do, and it's not easy to get 'right', but i love it, and every time i see my kids playing together and hear them laughing and smiling at me it makes all that shit i went through worth while. People can say what the want about teen parents and how 'stupid' it is and how much of a 'slag' teen mums are, but that really isn't the case, like i said earlier -it's easy for an outsider to judge.. you should see some of the looks i get in public when i'm pushing a double buggy! But you know what? I honestly wouldn't change my life at all. I feel lucky to have 2 amazing and beautiful kids, and people would kill for what i have, so all of you who doubted me and said hurtful things about me, or to those that just didn't care - i hope if you ever (or already have) kids you will realise how hard it is and how childish and narrow minded you were being. I have no time or respect for people like that these days, just isn't worth the hassle. My kids want for nothing and i love them far too much for words. I can't even imagine not having them in my life and i am
so glad i was strong enough to make my own decsions and not let others force me into something i'd regret for the
rest of my live. Being a young mum has it's ups and downs but love it.
Harriet and Max.. We love you more than anything, you are perfect.
